"The Belts of Doom"

A review of St Bartholomew's R C Primary School by John Curran written on Monday 14th of February 2011

I recall getting the belt regularly from Miss Easdale, Miss Reid and some of the others. Those teachers would all be drummed out of the profession in the present era but back then it was the norm to punish for any reason.

I always suspected that Jesus was just the result of someting like Chinese whispers, and secretly felt that we were being forced to pray to air and random atoms. At least the classroom got to be a tad more colourful at chrimbo but singing songs about Jesus meek & mild then being hit with the Stinger Deluxe 2000 was absurd and sadly inevitable.

Receiving the basics of literacy and numeracy were usefull but all the other subjects were totally worthless, particuarly the "science" as merely mixing salt with water was a dead intellectual end, like all the religion.

I remember Miss Easdale expecting us to remember the names of the ancient Hebrew tribes and with both hands I did what is now called a facepalm thinking "I'm Scottish. I'm in Glasgow. I'm not Jewish. I don't need the names of foreign ancient tribes except for avoiding more belt action". If there was truly Hell it would be overflowing with sadistic god botherers and folk singers.

There was an old man that played the piano sometimes. I think he was meant to be the cultural ambassador for real life but he was just a thin little man in the gym having a gay old time tickling the ivories and talking about lighthweight classical music.

For every minute I was there I wanted to spend twice as much time somewhere else. I used to have nightmares about St Bartholemew's, about being locked in a cupboard overnight and getting the belt for it in the morning, which is exactly how that adventure would have ended had it been a reality.

My desriptive powers won't extend to how much I don't miss having some red faced angry religious loony glaring down on me with a belt in their hand because I had the impudence to employ logic in direct oppositon to faith..

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